We know you’re doing it. We’ve been doing it since before you were an itch in your daddy’s pants. Oh, and we know all about hiding it. We’re a generation programmed to hide everything but the house keys. Fuck, we’re still hiding from you. But if you’re hiding from us, well, you’re basically already busted. Newsflash: Stoner parents have weedar. We don’t just have a nose for it. We know the signs; we know the spots and we know what’s suss.
Need some pro tips on staying undercover? Take ‘em from us.
Ditch the Fabreze
Masking the smell of your stash with sprays, candles or any other stupid scent is the first sign of a bad cover-up.
Also, flavoured vapes – forget it! The first whiff of that sweet foreign fragrance is telltale kids.
Don’t b-line to the bathroom
We know you’re washing up after a sesh and we’re already onto you.
Instead, walk in with a friendly hello, walk toward us, then stop a bit short to avoid osmosis (at least 4 feet). The key is to act natural – this always throws us off.
Smoking outside in the cold is a tricky one
Facts. Smoking in the cold makes your smell extra extra when you come inside (like from a mile away). If you need to know why, Google it!
Smoking in the car is an even trickier one
Firstly, don’t smoke and drive. But in the case that you’ve left a lingering smell of pot or smoke in the car, nothing beats a drop or two of gasoline on floor to clear that right up. If it’s someone else’s car, make sure to fill up a bit before returning, then mention you spilled some gas on your shoes…
Deny Deny Deny
There’s an art to this one. When you’ve been caught red handed, the best denial does not include gaslighting tactics like, “I don’t know what that is” or cliché excuses like, “I’m holding it for a friend.” You’ve been caught, but you haven’t been busted. Go for the heartstrings with something like, “I was planning on trying it for the first-time last weekend, but I chickened out,” or “I tried it and I didn’t like it, but I didn’t know what to do with it.” We’ll feel for you, I promise. Fake news works well here.
Hide with care
Smell-free containers are not for the faint of fine-motor-skills, but they are the best way to keep your stash concealed from prying eyes and noses. They’re also relatively parent-proof, since the majority of stoner parents are still buying black market and don’t have the patience to figure out how to unseal Gestapo packaging.
Bust your parents before they bust you
Nobody is more taken down by being busted than the “hiding generation.” Those are us parents born between 1969 and 1980. But once we’re outed, you can pave the way to a much more balanced parent-child stoner relationship.
By PotParent, Guest Contributor for Potsmart